HEY, FRIENDS!
THE DEVIL'S FOOD DICTIONARY IS NOW A BOOK!
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8 January 2007

curing  A time-consuming process by which a food that started out raw (such as ham, cheese, or fish) is painstakingly brought to a stage at which it is uncooked.
millet  A tiny, protein-rich grain that is considered a staple in large areas of Asia and Africa. This is because a paste made of millet will firmly hold together the corners
of two sheets of paper, much like the metal staple better known to Westerners.
quinoa  A venerable South American grain named after the capital of Ecuador.
vitamins  A range of nutritious elements that were once found in many commonly eaten foods, then disappeared from nearly all commonly eaten foods for a while,
and are now once again found in commonly eaten foods by virtue of being added as supplements or genetically engineered into them. Originally
given women's names, like hurricanes, vitamins are currently designated by the letters A, B, C, D, E, and K, with the less-appetizing F, G, H, I, and J
understandably omitted. It goes without saying that foods from cultures that do not write in Roman letters, such as Chinese and Arabic, contain no vitamins.


11 January 2007

fish sauce  A condiment much used in Thailand, Vietnam, and the Philippines, made of the liquid from fermented fish. A similar concoction called garum
was a favorite of the ancient Romans. They carried it to the farthest fringes of their empire, where the Celtic tribes returned the favor by
creating a sauce made of the liquid from fermenting Romans. Fish sauce imparts a distinctly non-American character to any food,
and fans of beans 'n' franks, for example, or key lime pie, will find it an unwelcome addition to those dishes.
saffron  Tiny red filaments that lend both flavor and color to such celebrated dishes as France's bouillabaisse and the Italian risotto alla Milanese.
Perhaps the most famous vehicle for saffron is Spain's paella, which is fitting, since that country supplies most of the world's stock of the
ingredient. Saffron is often described as threadlike, but this is a misnomer, since it consists quite literally of threads. These come--either
by deliberate plucking or through abrasion due to wear-and-tear--from the stout crimson rope, hundreds of kilometers long, that traces the
traditional pilgrimage route honoring St. James and terminating in the Spanish city of Santiago de Compostela. By royal license
dating to medieval times, only the nuns of the Convent of Santa Zafarana are legally entitled to harvest saffron. But recent years have seen a
troubling rise in poaching, leaving the rope threadbare in spots, even to the point of periodic breakage. One well-publicized break in 1992
caused a group of Polish pilgrims to stray far off course, ending up at a topless nightclub just outside Bilbao.


15 January 2007

comfort food  1) Any type of food that you would prefer your friends did not see you enjoy; 2) the fortifying, familiar, and satisfying
fare that killed your grandparents. Note: Comfort food's opposite, discomfort food, is outlawed by the Geneva Conventions.
Parmesan cheese  A northern Italian cow's-milk cheese, popular on pasta, that becomes so dense and heavy with aging that it eventually cannot be
moved. A wheel of the most flavorful type, Parmigiano-Reggiano, is light enough to carry when first produced, but within a year it easily
tops the 11,000-pound mark, requiring storage facilities constructed atop pure bedrock. Transport is made possibly only by pulverizing
the cheese with a diamond-tipped grating device or some sort of explosive, and then shipping it in powdered form. Overall production of Parmesan
is low, since a single highly concentrated chunk provides a nearly inexhaustible supply: A single wheel allotted to the country of Canada
in the early 1970s, for example, is expected to meet the entire population's needs for at least ten more years.


19 January 2007

marshmallow  A puffy, pillowy sponge of springy stuff that, with all its sweet taste, snowy whiteness, and lovely melting qualities over
a campfire, cannot help but remind you of one thing or another. For an idea of just how insubstantial the average marshmallow
is with its air removed, consider the fact that only four times each year, the entire supply of marshmallows for the western
United States leaves the Pennsylvania factory in a single truck, compressed into a globe roughly the size of a basketball that
weighs some seven tons. Escorted by state troopers, the cargo makes its way to a mammoth warehouse outside of Denver,
where, in a kind of controlled detonation, the marshmallows are released for packaging and final distribution. The awesome
amount of energy unleashed in these sugary explosions has not gone unnoticed by scientists, who speculate that the
advent of the nonpolluting, marshmallow-powered automobile may be just around the corner.
ragù  A thick pasta sauce containing ground meat. The tomato-heavy version known as "Bolognese" is the world's most popular
pasta sauce and perhaps Italy's chief export. At one time an elaborate network of pipelines carried Bolognese sauce directly
 from the Emilia-Romagna region to nearly every European country. But the system was dismantled in 1983, after a leak in northern
Germany destroyed thousands of hectares of sensitive wetlands. Subsequent legislation mandated that all Bolognese sauce be biodegradable.


22 January 2007

citrus fruit  An often-hybridized family that includes oranges, grapefruit, lemons, limes, kumquats, clementines, citrons, tangerines, pomelos, tangelos, ugli
fruit, lemrons, graperines, citfruit, clemtangs, kumelos, pomorangs, limanges, quatfruit, grapelos, tangetrons, lemontines, ugclemps, kumerines,
limoquats, lemoquats, grapoquats, citroquats, clemoquats, pomoquats, tangoquats, ugliquats, quats, fruitfruit, pomrons, quadroons, poontangs,
ugli poontangs, pompoms, pomeranians, and sitcoms. Native to southern and southeastern Asia, they were first brought by Arab traders to Africa and
the Middle East, then made their way to Europe during the Arab occupation of Spain. Christopher Columbus carried citrus fruits to the New World,
hoping to trade them for gold, but was disappointed to find them already there, transported eons before by visitors from another galaxy. Faced with
the prospect of six tons of fruit rotting in his ship's hold, he attempted to  teach the making of refreshing ade drinks to the local Taino Indians, along
with the appropriate marketing skills. Alas, the natives lacked the entrepreneurial spirit, and the explorer's dream of a lucrative chain of lemonade
stands down the length of the island of Hispaniola never materialized. Columbus's supply of citrus fruit eventually spoiled, and he died a broken man,
having lost his zest for life.
fudge  A cloyingly sweet, pasty confection beloved by children. Fudge consists largely of sugar; its nutritional value is often enhanced by the addition
 of half a walnut. Fudge is made in many flavors, of which the most popular by far is chocolate. Tied for least popular are cartilage and WD-40®.


26 January 2007

celebrity chef  An accomplished chef who, because his food's prices have reached their conceivable upper limit, is forced to host TV series, appear on
culinary cruises, and open proxy establishments in Las Vegas in order to avoid income stagnation. Celebrity chefs are believed to have better
and more frequent sex than regular chefs.
eel Half fish and half snake (these proportions are reversed below the equator), the eel is a source of rich, succulent meat enjoyed by many
nationalities, though not Americans, who prefer peanut butter. Eels have notoriously slippery skin, and a good deal of expertise is
required when handling and butchering them. In countries such as Japan, the slime is removed mechanically, for use in the manufacture of okra.
egg  An ideal all-around food, the egg was first brought to Europe from the New World by 16th-century Spanish explorers. There it rapidly
replaced many venerable native European protein sources, such as pinecones in Greece and tapestries in the Flemish courts. Delicious
and adaptable to nearly any style of cooking, eggs sadly became extinct shortly after the First World War.


30 January 2007

shad  Past tense of shid.
smorgasbord  also smörgasbord; smorgäsbord; smorgasbörd; smörgasbörd; smörgäsbord; smorgäsbörd; smörgäsbörd; smörgäsbörrd
A lavish Swedish buffet traditionally consisting of four courses plus dessert. The first course is always herring, the undisputed king of Scandinavian
foods. This can include pickled, smoked, and/or fried herring, as well as pickled smoked herring, pickled fried herring, and fried smoked herring.
The second course moves on to other types of seafood, such as salmon in herring sauce, herring-smoked eels, and jellied sprats (a relative of the
herring). Third come meats such as veal and beef in various delectable forms, but the unpopularity of those dishes--owing to their lack of
herring--usually results in their being donated to Somali refugee centers. The fourth course features traditional hot dishes, such as sprat gratin
(herring can be substituted), baked onions stuffed with herring paste, and/or meatballs molded in the shape of a herring (or a sprat). The dessert lineup
is enshrined in tradition and unfailingly includes herringberry coffee cake, creamy cheesecake from which all herring (or sprat) bones have been
painstakingly removed, and s'mores, the chocolate-marshmallow-graham cracker confection after which the smorgasbord is named.
tuna  Perhaps the king of all edible saltwater fish, ranging in weight from the single digits to as much as a thousand pounds. Excellent raw, cooked in
any way, or canned, this sleek, majestic, powerful animal is so delicious that we have decided not to waste any of it on future generations.


2 February 2007

bacalao  A type of dried, salted cod popular in Italy, France, Spain, and the Caribbean. The flavor of this fish, after rehydration by long
soaking in water, is reminiscent of a combination of salt and cod.
fruits-and-vegetables  A highly decorative component of the food spectrum that many people find enjoyable, though it boasts only a fraction of the nutritive value of
meat or bran.
steak tartare  Also known as tarte Tatin, this is chopped or ground beef that is seasoned and served raw. The modern version is accompanied by parsley,
onions, and capers, but the dish's originators, the Central Asian Tartars (or Tatars), insisted that another of their own inventions, tartar sauce, was the
only appropriate condiment. Likewise, the only side dish they deemed suitable was a potato preparation called Tatar Tots, the recipe for which has
unfortunately been lost. Consumption of steak tartare by this nomadic people declined when it was found to contribute to high levels of dental tartar,
which the Tartars sought to remedy with a primitive kind of toothpaste containing cream of tartar, which, incidentally, contains neither cream nor Tartars.


6 February 2007

cooking  The intentional preparation of edible substances for human consumption. Dictionary definitions usually link cooking with the use
of heat, but this is misleading: A cook is likely to prepare many dishes that require no "cooking." Indeed, a cook who would cook a
dish such as sashimi, coleslaw, or trail mix would be considered a bad cook. Conversely, a rabbit that accidentally fell into a
 campfire could end up cooked, without anyone having cooked it! Such distinctions are a source of endless fascination for gourmets.
All known human cuisines can be seen as variations on three basic approaches, namely, French cooking, Chinese
cooking, and Indian cooking. The three are reducible to the following formulas:

FRENCH COOKING: Fry a thing in butter in a pan. Remove it and set it aside on a warm platter. Add wine to the hot pan and boil, stirring, to
thicken. Swirl an additional stick of butter into the reduced liquid, and pour the liquid over the fried thing. Serve with potatoes and wine; eat with silverware.
CHINESE COOKING: Cut a variety of colorful things into small pieces. Heat a large quantity of oil in a wok over high heat. Add the cut-up things
and stir frantically. Add cornstarch solution, stir again, and remove from the heat just before the colors fade. Serve with rice and tea; eat with chopsticks.
INDIAN COOKING: Heat one cup ghee in a pan. Add one cup chopped onions, one cup chopped garlic, one cup chopped vegetables and/or
meat, and one cup spices. Cook gently until liquefied. Serve with rice or bread and yogurt; eat with fingers.

Given the nearly limitless number of possible permutations and combinations of these cooking styles, it is easy to see why food
 writers deserve far higher wages than they are currently being paid.

courier squabs. The amount of meat on a squab is meager, and disputes frequently erupt at the dinner table over the choicest morsels.
These conflicts are called squabbles.


9 February 2007

baguette  France's contribution to the world of yard-long, narrow cylindrical breads with crisp crusts, and a kind of universal symbol of
French culture. A truly good baguette is extremely rare outside France, probably because few other countries'
bicyclettes sport the kind of basket in which a baguette is most photogenic.
The seeming straightforwardness of this bread is deceptive: As many as 108 separate steps go into the production of a single
 high-quality baguette, some 60 of which are closely guarded secrets of the Brotherhood of Crumbs and Heels, a French guild in
 existence since the Middle Ages. At-home baking of baguettes is thus discouraged, as it invites both disappointing results and a visit during the night
by the Brotherhood's enforcers, known in France simply as "the men who inflict pain."
Unlike softer breads such as croissants and brioches, baguettes can form hazardously sharp, jagged edges when torn and must be
 handled with care, particularly around les enfants. When bicycling, always store a baguette in the basket or panier with the torn end downward.
spoon, wooden  A rudimentary utensil that was a fixture of every kitchen before the advent of the ladle. Yesteryear's cooks faced many hazards,
but perhaps the worst of them was the risk of poisoning due to splinters from wooden spoons that had come into contact with uncooked food.
Furthermore, since wood's ignition point is far below that of most foods, a wooden spoon was liable to simply burst into flames in the midst of
stirring, for example, a pot of cock-a-leekie. The wooden spoon's demise leaves the modern kitchen a far safer place, and it is unlikely to be missed. Relieved
cooks can now turn their attention to the hundreds of bleeding deaths caused annually by the jagged edges of torn baguettes.


12 February 2007

caviar  The edible roe of various fish, including sturgeon, lumpfish, and salmon. Caviar ranges in color and size from the tiny golden
Sterlet to the huge Beluga (up to 2 inches in diameter), the latter of which is the rare, jet-black egg of the Beluga whale. Caviar is highly
temperature-sensitive: If not kept on a bed of ice, the eggs have been known to hatch, quickly covering the buffet table with wriggling minnows.
Even so, the outer membrane is quite tough, making a well-maintained caviar slicer a must for entertaining.
fugu The Japanese name for any of the various blowfish or puffers. Fugu is considered a delicacy, but it is a hazardous one:
The liver and ovaries contain tetrodotoxin, a poison so potent that those organs must be removed before the fish can be served, preferably before it has
even been born. Most Japanese are aware that only an officially licensed person may do this; sadly, far fewer realize that the license in question should
apply specifically to preparation of fugu--a podiatrist's license, for example, or a manicurist's, will not do. Hundreds die each year as a result of this
all-too-common misunderstanding.
water  A clear, odorless fluid employed in cooking tofu "hot dogs." Water can also be used for diluting cocktails.


16 February 2007

Foody Guthrie  Called the "Poet Laureate of Potlikker" and the "Harmonizin' Homer of Hominy," folksinger Foody Guthrie (1905-1984) is
celebrated for his well-crafted, plain-spoken songs in praise of the American dinner table. Compositions such as "This Lamb Is Your Lamb,"
"Kaiser Roll On Columbia," and "So Long, It's Been Good to Know Ya Have Some Fish Sauce in the Pantry for When You're in the Mood
for a Stir-Fry" are pillars of the American folk music canon. Guthrie's son Merlot (b. 1946) is a famous musician in his own right, best known
for another food-related song, his 1967 hit, "Alicia's Luncheonette" ("Ain't a thing that you can't get / At Alicia's Luncheonette").
microwave oven  An adaptation of an outdated audio technology called the phonograph or record player, by which food placed on a rotating
turntable is cooked through exposure to a combination of whirring, rumbling, and beeping noises.


20 February 2007

cinnamon  A spice consisting of the reddish-brown, dried inner bark of a tree, which is often ground into powder. For centuries
the distinctive cinnamon taste was thought to be obtainable from only two types of tree, Cinnamomum zeylanicum and Cinnamomum
cassia, and indeed, the fates of nations have hinged on trade in this commodity, with countless lives lost. The recent discovery that
the inner bark of virtually every tree tastes like cinnamon came as a bitter disappointment to many in the spice business.
and, if not handled carefully, will collect in hard-to-manage clumps. They can be kept apart by jamming them firmly into a canned ham.
peppercorn  Once a rare commodity worth their weight in gold, peppercorns are now so plentiful that they constitute as much
as 18 percent of some urban landfills. They are considered highly peppery and contain no corn.


23 February 2007

confit  Most commonly, a piece of meat or poultry, such as a duck leg, that has been seasoned and then cooked slowly in its own
fat. The meat is cooled in the fat and left there, preserving it and enhancing its flavor. Confit is in greater demand among the svelte people of France
than on this side of the Atlantic, since at least one pair of legs encased in their own fat is already a feature of nearly every American household.
French, the area was occupied by Celts, called "Gauls" by their Roman rulers. Not surprisingly, this period constituted France's gastronomical
Dark Ages (the Celts' only known sauce at the time was an emulsion of milk and wool). And indeed, the Celts, eventually driven northwestward,
would add to their portfolio by stunting the culinary development of at least four more countries, while attempting to make up for it with their catchy
music. The French talent for both preparing and enjoying food is legendary, and it is a given among scholars that French cooking might well
have become the world's gold standard, if only the Chinese had never been invented.


27 February 2007

broccoli  A nutritious, dark-green cool-weather vegetable related to cabbage. Individual stalks of broccoli bear a strong resemblance to
miniature trees, each with a central "trunk" and an upper portion that looks like a very dense cluster of leafy branches. Despite
this similarity, it is not true that they can be tapped with tiny spigots to make "broccoli syrup."
maize An intricate, intentionally confusing network of pathways cut into a field of corn.
vanilla The other flavor besides chocolate and strawberry. Vanilla begins as a thin sap tapped from Madagascar's vanilla trees in the
still-snowy days of early spring, which is then reduced to its familiar concentration by hours of boiling. This liquid figures so prominently
in Madagascarian culture that the national hockey team is called the Antananarivo Vanilla Leafs, and a vanilla leaf adorns the national flag.


2 March 2007

cooking oil  Since time immemorial, foods have been cooked in oils that occur naturally in various plants, nuts, seeds, etc. These oils--from common
ones such as canola, olive, coconut, corn, almond, sunflower, sesame, and peanut to lesser-known types like dandelion and plywood
oil--are extracted either through chemical methods or by a combination of heat and pressure. In their unadulterated state they
differ greatly in taste, aroma, and other properties, and the conscientious cook owes it to him/herself to know these differences.
What home cooks seldom realize, however, is that all cooking oils (and indeed animal fats as well) are so similar in molecular
structure that they are easily convertible from one type to another. The following recipes will enable a cook of any skill level to perform
some of the most useful oil and fat conversions:

CORN OIL INTO CANOLA OIL: Soak 2 large canolas (approx. 3 pounds each) overnight in 1 gallon of corn oil. Remove the
canolas and stir in 3 drops of Dr. Scholl's Corn Remover and 1/2 teaspoon of dry vermouth. Makes 2 gallons.
SUNFLOWER OIL INTO TOASTED SESAME OIL: Line a colander with 4 layers of cheesecloth. Fill it to the brim with raw sesame
seeds, and filter 1/2 gallon of sunflower oil through the seeds into a saucepan. Warm the oil over medium heat. NOTE: For
color, flavor, and aroma (optional), use a cotton swab to scour the remaining 2-3 drops from a nearly empty sesame oil bottle.
Wring the sesame oil from the cotton tip into the pan. Mix well and let cool.
CRISCO® SHORTENING INTO EXTRA-VIRGIN OLIVE OIL: Liquefy 1 can of shortening in a food processor. Add 1 bunch
of organic Italian flat-leaf parsley and a jar of pimiento-stuffed olives (well drained). Pulse until transparent.
COCONUT OIL INTO LARD: Soak 5 pounds of sweet potatoes in 3 quarts of coconut oil. Sprinkle 2 cups of dark brown sugar and
1/2 pound of golden raisins over the mixture. Feed every day for 6 to 7 months. Butcher and render by the standard methods.


6 March 2007

omelet pan  A pan somewhat larger than an omelet, often with an omelet in it.
omelet-and-sausage pan A pan somewhat larger than an OMELET PAN, but smaller than an OMELET-SAUSAGE-AND-FRIED-POTATOES PAN.
lobster Probably the best-known member of the lobster family, and very likely the animal after which that family is named. The lobster is a
crustacean, with flesh as succulent as--and to some people more delicious than--that of its cousin the prawn. But getting to that meat, while
rewarding, can be difficult: As a defense mechanism, the lobster adopts a "playing dead" posture after about five minutes in rapidly boiling water,
including a chameleonlike change in the color of its shell. It is said to be capable of maintaining this immobile state almost indefinitely.
Early European arrivals in North America reported finding lobsters six feet in length along the northern Atlantic Coast.
The lobsters, on the other hand, put the colonists at about five-foot-six, tops.


9 March 2007

avocado Once exotic to most Americans, this buttery green fruit, more savory than sweet, has grown in popularity
and familiarity over the past few decades. This occurred despite two potentially devastating setbacks:
the invention of NACHOS, and the 1960s application of the avocado's color to kitchen appliances.
guacamole A savory dip, often accompanying tortilla chips but also used as a garnish for burritos, etc. Guacamole was invented
in the 1960s, to harmonize with a kitchen appliance color that was very popular at the time.
nachos A heaped combination of tortilla chips, refried beans, melted cheese, GUACAMOLE, chiles, and sometimes other ingredients.
Few fans of nachos know that they (the nachos, not the fans) were created in the 1970s by the special-effects crew of the film The Exorcist,
who set out to produce a reasonable visual facsimile of what might spew from the mouth of a victim of demonic possession. Since
then, much has been made of the eerie similarity between the tortilla chips' pointy corners and the horns of Satan.


13 March 2007

asparagus A delectable, spear-shaped plant of the lily family. Asparagus is one of the few vegetables that can politely
be eaten with the fingers. Indeed, before the invention of the fork, three asparagus spears lashed together with
a parsley stem was a common utensil for eating dishes such as endive gratinée.
Anthropologists trace the origins of the story of Adam and Eve's downfall to an ancient strain of Mesopotamian asparagus
that makes a whispering sound when blown by the wind. In lab trials, specimens of this plant--which when mature bears some
resemblance to a snake standing on end--were placed in a wind tunnel. Test listeners interpreted the sounds produced as
everything from, "Ye shall surely not die: for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as
gods, knowing good and evil," to the second stanza of "Stairway to Heaven."
(CAUTION: When cut directly from the ground, asparagus spears emit bloodcurdling shrieks that can drive bystanders insane.)
mung bean A small bean that is white when picked but takes on its more familiar green color after being marinated for 6 to 8 days in mung.
mushroom The generic name for a wide variety of members of the fungus family, which are eaten primarily because they bear


16 March 2007

fig Known as "Nature's racy metaphor," the fig is a luscious tree fruit that, at its ripest and most succulent, has a disreputable air of
wantonness and sensuality. Figs can be dried into a tasty, durable snack food or incorporated, either dried or fresh, into works of fiction.
Adam and Eve are said to have employed fig leaves to "cover their shame" after their expulsion from Eden. Sometime later, their son Cain murdered
his brother Abel after the latter publicly joked that a whole leaf was not necessary to cover Cain's shame, but merely a single fig.
genetically engineered foods Food plants or animals subjected to innovative scientific techniques that introduce characteristics across
species lines, in ways that could not occur under natural conditions. Genetic engineering began as a response to widespread complaints
from consumers that supermarket tomatoes simply didn't contain enough flounder genes. Obliging researchers soon remedied that problem,
and by the first few years of the 21st century the list of GE (also called GM, genetically modified) foods had expanded to include canola, corn,
papaya, soybeans, beets, and even salmon. Sadly, the march toward the glorious future promised by genetic engineering was interrupted in
November 2006, when all the scientists involved were suddenly transported by legions of cackling, scaly demons straight to Hell.


20 March 2007

Marx, Groucho American comedian (1895-1977) who, when inviting the blond bombshell up to his room in the film
A Day at the Races (1937) with the line, "We could have a midnight snack--a nice little steak between us," may not have been referring to beef.
terroir Properties of a particular plot of land or region that are thought to influence the character of that land's animal and vegetable products. Many
factors influence terroir, including soil acidity, average annual precipitation (the so-called "rain of terroir"), and proximity to Chernobyl.


23 March 2007

Irish stew An earthy traditional dish based on a small number of basic ingredients, namely potatoes, onions, and mutton. Irish
stew is known for the narrow band of the color spectrum that it occupies, extending from, roughly, whitish to grayish. It
was not always this drab: The original version, believed to have migrated with the Celts from the south of France,
featured more colorful ingredients, but the loss of these to successive famines necessitated the substitution of
whatever products remained available, however dreary in appearance. The potato, for example, was introduced only
in the wake of the Great Tomato Famine of 1712. The ruinous 1779 Great Fish Famine, followed by the devastating Great
Shellfish Famine two years later, led to mutton's inclusion in place of a rich assortment of seafood. Onions found their way into
the recipe after the catastrophic Great Garlic Famine of 1825. Even salt and pepper might not have entered the picture had it not been for the
Great White Wine and Saffron Famine of 1839. As for olive oil, lost to its own famine in the mid-1840s, it was simply never replaced.
As if Ireland had not suffered enough, one final indignity remained, in the form of the Great Dishware Famine of 1882, which forced
peasants to eat the now-pallid stew out of their bare hands. For many of them this was the last straw, and a final wave of emigration
left the island nearly uninhabited. Happily, conditions are much improved since then, and Ireland and its people are now optimistic, prosperous,
and well fed. In a holdover from leaner times, however, it is still customary for foreign visitors to that country to pack a lunch.


27 March 2007

pâté A cooked sausage that is not stuffed into a casing. Experts in topology, a branch of mathematics related to geometry, tell us
that in the absence of external boundaries delineated by a casing, a pâté could be produced that is, at least hypothetically speaking, infinitely
large. All agree that this would be difficult to do. Probably not as difficult, though, as breeding an infinitely large CORNICHON to serve on the side.
cornichon The dyspeptic runt of the pickle world. Cornichons are pimply, anemic, laughably puny cucumbers that undergo a painstaking
process of marination aimed at replacing any discernible flavor with a monochromatic sourness. They are considered a flattering accompaniment to
PÂTÉ, as well as various meats and fish. In fact, it is fair to say that after a bite of cornichon, nearly anything will taste delicious, even GNOCCHI made with LINT.
lint A common household substance that is rarely, if ever, used to make GNOCCHI.
gnocchi Small Italian dumplings that can be made of potatoes or flour, but rarely, if ever, of such ingredients as LINT. People with
highly discerning palates are said to be able to distinguish between good gnocchi and bad ones.


30 March 2007

tea A beverage made by steeping leaves of the shrub Camellia sinensis in hot water. Tea is available in a wide variety of types,
but the precise correspondence between flavor and price can be difficult to determine. For example, a very rare Asian tea, worth
hundreds of dollars a pound, may have virtually no taste at all, although it does boast a lovely fragrance and lends the water an
attractive weedy tint. The more robust "black" tea, frequently drunk with milk and sugar, has been a staple of life in Great
Britain since the 18th century, often constituting the very first drink an Englishman reached for after his morning gin-and-tonic.
tisane A popular type of steeped beverage that Americans call "herb tea." Tisanes contain flowers, spices, and other
herbaceous ingredients (known in culinary circles as "lawn clippings"), but no actual tea leaves and thus no caffeine.
This provides an effective safeguard against flavor, alertness, and scintillating conversation.
X The number of ingredients in the ancient Romans' famous Ten-Ingredient Casserole.


3 April 2007

celery  A crisp, green vegetable that grows as a cluster of parallel stalks with a common root. In America, celery often makes an
appearance at parties, with the stalks' concave centers filled with cream cheese. Prepared this way, celery is said to taste much like
cream cheese. The French braise celery in meat stock, but that doesn't help much either. The most appealing use of this
vegetable is as an aromatic in a classic Italian tomato sauce. However, a typical batch of sauce requires only half a cup of
chopped celery, so home cooks are advised to pull off a single stalk, conceal it down the leg of their pants, and walk in a natural,
relaxed manner out of the grocery store, without looking to the left or right.
Preparing celery requires the use of a peeler or paring knife to remove the tough fibers that run down the length of the stalks.
Few of today's cooks realize that celery is distinguished in the plant kingdom for the tensile strength of these fibers, but their
great-grandmothers will certainly recall the "Silk Stalkings" drives of World War II, when housewives were rallied to save this stringy
material for the war effort. The fibers were collected and combined with then-scarce silk to manufacture parachutes. Famed British music hall
entertainer Desmond "Daft Desi" Hoagg, "The Wagglin' Wag of Warwickshire" (1880-1952), was singlehandedly responsible, through
personal appearances, for the collection of some 21,000 miles of celery fiber. This contribution to the war effort helped secure him a knighthood.
New York A large American city of vital importance to the entertainment, financial, publishing, and art worlds, and the nation's most
reliable source of good falafel after Dearborn, Michigan.


6 April 2007

caramel A sweet, sticky brown substance that oozes from the skin of an apple and provides a water- and shock-resistant
shield for the crisp, juicy interior. The fruit's natural caramel coating can make it messy to hold; remedies for this include
wrapping the apple in a dry, nontoxic jacket of chopped nuts and inserting a stick into its core.
polenta A finely ground northern Italian cornmeal mush that was little known by Americans before 1937, the year blues singer
Leadbelly recorded his million-selling "Po-Lenter (Where You Been So Long?)." It has remained little-known ever since.
sweet, sour, salty, bitter  Once considered, simply, the four flavors, these underwent a change in status following the Western world's discovery
of umami, the so-called fifth flavor. They are now correctly referred to as "the first four flavors," "the four Caucasian flavors," or "umami's little helpers."


10 April 2007

barbecue An extremely vague term for one or another of several approaches to cooking one or another type of food, usually
meat except when it is something else, which make use of one or another cooking technique that most often involves smoke, though not
always, and in which a sauce of one sort or another plays either an essential, a prominent, or a negligible role. Barbecue has a nearly fanatical
following in North America, particularly in the southern United States, where it carries a lore rich in history, culture, and the sort of factionalism
that can often lead to gunplay. Indeed, history documents some legendary feuds over what constituted "authentic" barbecue, most of which
ended with the victors slowly roasting their vanquished enemies over hickory, cherry, or mesquite embers (depending on the state where the
conflict took place) and then basting or dipping them in a sauce that was either sweet, vinegary, or spicy (also depending on location),
and serving them with white bread at stock-car races.
jerk seasoning A spice blend from Jamaica, used to flavor grilled meat and poultry. It is named for its inventor, Chef Winston Walcott (1892-
1961) of Kingston's Palm Grove Hotel, who was, by all accounts, "a real jerk."
Swede A globular root vegetable named after the rutabaga. Famous rutabagas have included Alfred Nobel and the filmmaker Ingmar Bergman.


13 April 2007

appetizer; starter The first course of a meal and, in better restaurants, the one most likely to be smaller than its garnish.
hors d'oeuvre An appetizer that is eaten standing up.
entrée A French word whose definition differs from one region of the world to another. In the United States, for example, it is applied to the
main course of a meal, while in certain areas of the Pacific Ocean, among certain large seagoing mammals, it refers to vast shoals of krill.
snack A small quantity of food eaten at any hour of the day or night, not for enjoyment or the fulfillment of some kind of craving, but strictly in
the interest of good health: A stomach not kept in a state of continual readiness by frequent snacking may prove incapable of efficiently
digesting the upcoming meal. Of all the types of food that can be used to accomplish this, the category most highly recommended by scientists
is "crisp, salty fried things in a bag."


17 April 2007

salt  The nearly universal food seasoning, a crystal found both in vast underground deposits and dissolved in seawater, and a nutrient necessary
to human life. The word salary is derived from the Latin word for salt, owing to the salty tears shed by Roman centurions every payday when
they realized how little of their pay remained once deductions were made to buy food seasonings. The words salad, salami, and sauce also
have "salt" as their root. Salesgirl, saloon, and sailfish do not.
Salt is celebrated as a food preservative as well as a flavoring agent. Indeed, many items purchased from fast-food restaurants are so intensely
salty that an unaccustomed eater would find them inedible, which would result in their preservation, probably in the original packaging. Overall,
salt is of vital importance to the fast-food industry, whose fare, in the absence of generous salting, would taste like what it is actually made of.
For the home cook, salt is simple to use and presents few challenges. Those doing the eating, on the other hand, face a trickier situation: Care must
be taken not to invert the salt shaker before it is positioned directly above the food to be seasoned. Stains to clothing or tablecloths from spilled
salt are removable only by vigorous rubbing with mulberry juice or a paste made of turmeric and red wine. Preempt the creation of salt marks in the
first place by having a magnet handy for picking up stray grains before they have a chance to stain.


20 April 2007

focaccia  An oiled, salted Italian bread whose name would be much harder to pronounce if it were spelled cfacciocai.
foie gras The greatly enlarged liver of a duck or goose that has been force-fed for four to five months. Rich and delicious, foie gras underwent a
decline in popularity at the beginning of the 21st century due to the efforts of animal rights activists, only to have its fortunes reversed when a
French veterinarian produced a duck liver so large it could be transplanted into human beings.
mandoline A device for thinly slicing vegetables. Favored by French cooks, this is one of a large body of culinary materials whose names evoke
musical associations. They include the Italian chitarra (a pasta-making apparatus), the champagne flute, fiddlehead ferns, chicken drumsticks,
'cellophane noodles, bell peppers, key limes, organ meats, and, of course, beans ("the musical fruit").


24 April 2007

garnish (variant of "garish") An essential element of presentation, a garnish is an often inedible decoration meant to prevent
the eater from noticing that the food item it adorns is covered with the chef's fingerprints.
gelato Italian ice cream, generally denser than the American version. The seductively smooth texture and rich natural flavors of gelato can
come as a revelation to Americans visiting Italy, and it is not unusual to find them bingeing on it. Luckily for them, they are fat already.
ginger The knobby, aromatic rhizome of a plant whose name derives from the Pali word singivera!, an ancient curse commonly uttered
by someone who had stubbed his toe on a rhizome. Ginger is an essential ingredient in Chinese and Indian cooking; fans of Japanese cuisine
will also recognize it in gari, the paper-thin, pickled slices that accompany sushi. Until rather recently, whole ginger was less common
in the Western world than the dried, powdered version, and recipes for baked goods such as gingerbread and gingersnaps tend to call for the latter
form. Home cooks should not let this inconvenience them: Whole ginger can easily be substituted for ground in any cake recipe. Simply cut a chunk
of the root about four times the volume of the required amount of ground ginger and drop it, whole, into the batter. Traditionally, the person
who finds the piece of ginger in his slice of cake is entitled to wear a genuine fireman's hat for the rest of the day.


27 April 2007

peeler; parer A utensil designed for safe, easy, and efficient peeling. Peelers vary in size according to the intended task, ranging from the
exquisite two-inch grape peeler commissioned by Marie Antoinette, with its handle of Sèvres porcelain decorated with microscopic rural
scenes, all the way to the 400-pound hydraulic model currently used for paring livestock.
potato chips Deep-fried, paper-thin slices of potato, usually liberally coated with salt. Historically speaking, these constitute the transitional
phase between french fries and the broad snack genre known as crisp, salty fried things in a bag. Of paramount importance to potato chips is
their crunchiness, and manufacturers' efforts to maximize this trait have proved almost too successful, with pediatricians now warning of a
potential generation of youngsters unable to tolerate creamy, tender, or otherwise crunchless food. Loath to miss an opportunity, the processed-
food industry is developing pure, tasteless crunch additives that can be sprinkled on any food, made of such common byproducts as bone splinters,
eggshells, and recycled spinach grit.
praline A delicious confection that is widely viewed as New Orleans' answer to nutrition. Pralines are made by melting and blending a combination of white
sugar, brown sugar, Demerara sugar, Turbinado sugar, corn syrup, maple syrup, honey, molasses, sorbitol, xylitol, confectioners' sugar, and fudge. A pecan is
often placed on top for ease of lifting.


1 May 2007

Emil the Talking Black-Eyed Pea  Next to the 40-inch-tall Tom Thumb, this remarkable legume was for a short while the most famous act in the
stable of the legendary impresario P.T. Barnum (1810-1891), reportedly grossing more than $90,000 in six weeks, a huge sum at the time. Throngs of
spectators marveled daily at Emil's trenchant wit, excellent singing voice, and superior mathematical skills. Press coverage of the spectacle
was lavish and lurid, reaching a climax when, before a standing-room-only audience, a spurned lover managed to snatch Emil from his Lilliputian stage.
As the stunned crowd watched, the young woman thrust him, tiny silk top hat and all, into her mouth and dashed out the fire exit. By the
time police caught up with her, she had thrown herself into the East River and drowned. Her body was eventually recovered, but by then the bean
had sprouted on her tongue, some say out of sheer despair. Emil's tiny hat was salvaged and became a popular exhibit in its own right.
farmers market An open-air, producer-run food outlet whose minimal infrastructure, absence of middlemen, and other cost-cutting measures make
it possible for vendors to charge higher prices than in supermarkets.


4 May 2007

aspic  A type of savory jelly with a clear consistency and an unclear function. Encasing ham, boiled eggs, or whole fish in aspic was once
a common technique in French cuisine; regrettably, everyone who remembered why has now passed away. If allowed to sit for thousands of years,
aspic hardens into amber, a material popular for jewelry making. Occasionally, nuggets of amber are discovered containing well-preserved ants,
flies, or bees, which archaeologists identify as a type of hors-d'oeuvre enjoyed by our insect-eating ancestors.
cod  An excellent, firm-fleshed food fish found in both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans, but in numbers much diminished from earlier eras, especially
in the Atlantic. In fact, it is difficult even to imagine how thick with cod the North Atlantic once was--until one remembers that North America's
first European visitors actually walked to this continent on a "cod bridge," setting up camp each night atop the dense shoals of fish, even
stopping for weeks at a time to augment their food stocks through hydroponic gardening. Sad to say, the travelers' daily helpings of fresh cod were
gathered from underneath them with little regard for sustainability. This poor judgment would ultimately be their--and the cod's--undoing: When one
particularly large mass of migrants at last managed to eat the "bridge" out from behind themselves, it signaled the beginning of the end of cod
stocks and severed the travelers' connection with Europe forever, even those who had only meant to stay for the long Labor Day weekend.


8 May 2007

iron skillet A skillet made of iron.
"iron" skillet A skillet made of a metal closely resembling iron.
iron "skillet" A skillet-like pan made of iron.
raw food A type of food promoted as the original human diet and, as such, the only suitable human fare. This simple-sounding
rubric is somewhat misleading, as it encompasses a bewildering array of subcategories, including "raw cold food," "raw tepid food," "bruised,
moldy raw food," "raw tailgate party food," and "raw food for dipping in un-raw sauce." Raw food is noteworthy for being ready to eat right off
of produce department shelves; many devotees prefer this to shoplifting.


11 May 2007

fish  A catch-all name for the innumerable creatures that make up the world of edible aquatic fauna. This domain is so huge and diverse
that it must be broken down into manageable scientific categories to be examined in any detail. Beginning with the largest categories, "fish" are divided
into fish and shellfish. The fish category subdivides in turn into saltwater fish and freshwater fish. Saltwater fish include the shallow-swimming
types and the deeper-swimming types. The deeper-swimming classification is made up of fat kinds and thin kinds. The fat kinds comprise expensive
ones and cheap ones. The expensive ones can be either attractive or unattractive. Of the attractive class, some are served cut-up and others are served
whole. The cut-up category consists of fillets and steaks. And finally, the fillets are either your helping or my helping, but you can have mine
because I'm not really a big fish fan anyway.
stock A watery, mildly flavored liquid usually used as a base for soup or sauce. Only a profound and troubling ignorance of culinary
matters would lead someone to confuse stock with broth.


15 May 2007

cocoa nib By far the most sensitive area of the cocoa bean.
coddling An approach to child-rearing aimed at preparing a boy for a career as a chef. Correctly administered, coddling instills an expectation
that complete strangers will happily bankrupt themselves for the privilege of watching him array drops of brightly colored coulis on an oversize plate.
corn The North American name for what the rest of the world calls maize, a grain also eaten as a vegetable. Corn originated in the Americas
(where it was called maize), and the native inhabitants found an extraordinary number of uses for it, from grinding it into a coarse flour to
grinding it into a flour that was somewhat less coarse. Newly arrived European explorers conceived their own applications for corn and its by-products,
mostly related to sweetening carbonated beverages and making pipes for smoking a plant they fully expected to discover somewhere in the
New World. Other ingenious uses were found as well: When Christopher Columbus's Pinta sprang a leak precisely the diameter of a corn cob, the crew
hurriedly seized the sailor in charge of the vessel's maintenance and gave him the first recorded flogging with a "cat o' nine cobs," a bundle of
leather straps with an ear of corn tied to the end of each. Following the ship's subsequent sinking, the resourceful explorers constructed a full-sized
replica out of corn husks. The new Pinta, re-christened La Tamalita, joined the rest of the fleet for a successful return voyage to Europe.


19 May 2007

cleaver A broad, often heavy knife with a blade of roughly rectangular shape. For the Western cook, this is a specialized tool employed
almost exclusively for breaking down animal carcasses, but in Chinese cuisine it enjoys a multitude of uses. Not surprisingly, great
importance attaches to the cleaver's sharpness, and much time and vigilance go into maintaining the best possible edge. A typical Ming dynasty
(1368-1644 A.D.) kitchen featured an apprentice who devoted all his waking hours to sharpening the cleaver, stopping several times a day to test
the blade on his own shins. Traditionally speaking, a well-honed Chinese cleaver should be able to slice through a medium-weight wok with
little difficulty. The author has seen this done.
madeleine A small, rich, seashell-shaped sponge cake. Madeleines were a favorite of the American novelist Ernest Hemingway,
who claimed that the mere aroma of one evoked in him powerful recollections of certain bullfights and war wounds. Despite his ardent
championing of this confection in Paris, madeleines never caught on with the French literary establishment.


22 May 2007

rosemary One of the few food names also suited to human beings, in this case female. Women named Rosemary are reputed to go well
with women named Roast Leg of Lamb.
rose water A fragrant, flower-derived tincture used in Middle Eastern and Indian cooking. Rose water is usually found in sweets
and desserts; adding it to cheeseburgers is asking for trouble.
rotisserie An arrangement by which meat is skewered on a shaft and cooked by rotating it above or in front of a fire. The configuration of
the modern rotisserie dates to the time of the Polish astronomer Nicholas Copernicus (1473-1543); prior to his pioneering discoveries, the fire typically
revolved around the meat.


25 May 2007

retsina A type of Greek wine that was originally flavored with pine resin, hence its name. Pine resin became prohibitively
expensive in the 1980s, and retsina's distinctive tang is now derived from Formica.
"riff" (usually with "on") A jazz-derived term used by restaurant critics to  describe a familiar dish that has been altered to the point
where it tastes nothing like the customer had hoped it would. A "riff" on linguini with white clam sauce, for example, could
in fact taste like a combination of beets and arugula, drizzled with butterscotch.
rolling pin A kitchen utensil in the shape of an elongated cylinder that is used for flattening pastry. The rolling pin is thought by some
scholars to have inspired the invention of the wheel, leading to speculation that Bronze Age roads may have been paved with pie dough.


28 May 2007

home cooking The opposite of restaurant cuisine, in that it does not improve no matter how many bad reviews it gets.
hot sauce A tried-and-true condiment made primarily of chiles. The use of hot sauce is well established throughout the world, and decades
(perhaps centuries) have elapsed since the appearance of the last truly innovative recipe for it. This has done little to inhibit the insatiable
market for new hot sauce names, however, which has spawned a lucrative industry and at least one major think tank. Even the simplest bottled blend
of peppers and vinegar is guaranteed robust sales if it is given a name along the lines of "Bug-Eyed Bubba's Bayou Butt-Chappin' Sauce." Nor do sales
gimmicks stop at clever names: The very popular "Big Jimbo and Little Jimbo's Flesh-Eatin' Tennessee Blister Tincture from the Seventh Ring
o' Hell" is packaged with an authentic-looking "gift certificate for a full-mouth transplant" at the Veterans Administration hospital of your choice. The
Mormon church's Family History Library in Salt Lake City raises nearly all its operating expenses through sales of its celebrated "Smolderin' Gentiles"
condiment, which promises to retroactively make your ancestors' eyes water, even hundreds of years into the past. Customers are encouraged to
take advantage of the Library's extensive genealogical records to determine just which ancestors will be affected.


1 June 2007

potato Our favorite shapeless knob of vegetable matter from the Land of the Incas. The Spanish conquistador Francisco
Pizarro first brought potatoes from Peru to Europe in 1534, but the Europeans were slow to recognize the value of this versatile tuber.
This contrasts sharply with its widespread popularity in the Land of the Incas, where it originated.
Early breeding efforts focused on increasing the potato's size, culminating in the creation of the "Idaho potato," so named because
a single record-setting specimen was approximately the size of that state. Eventually, practical considerations won out, and today's
potatoes are more manageable. Which is not to say they are all alike: A wide variety of potatoes--a cornucopia of colors, shapes, and sizes--is now
available to consumers. Still, it must be said, even that selection pales by comparison with the range of potatoes grown in the Land of the
Incas, where, incidentally, they originated.
Potatoes should be stored away from bright light, to prevent development of solanine, which imparts a toxic green tinge to the flesh. The
Irish found this out the hard way. Irresistibly drawn to their national color, they ate many green potatoes in the 1840s and either died in droves or
boarded rickety sailing ships with nothing but the clothes on their backs, headed, ironically enough, in the general direction of the Land of
the Incas, where potatoes originated.
In terms of accessories, the potato has arguably benefited from more sheer inventiveness than any other tuber. A typical modern household
may boast a potato peeler, a potato masher, a potato holder, a ricer, a waffler, a french fry cutter, a "spud gun," and a Mister Potato-Head, all
in addition to one or more inedible "couch potatoes." These are almost all modern inventions, and none of them came from the Land of the Incas,
where potatoes originated.
Potatoes can be prepared in a vast number of ways. They can be served, however, in only three ways: hot, cold, or somewhere in between.


4 June 2007

busboy A restaurant employee charged with clearing and sometimes preparing tables. The job can entail lengthy waits while diners finish
their meals, but this downtime seldom goes to waste, thanks to the profession's long-standing tradition of kitchen-scrap scrimshaw. "Jose"
(not his real name), an employee of an Outback Steakhouse in Omaha, Nebraska, made headlines in 2006 when he carved the entire
New York Times bestseller The DaVinci Code, by Dan Brown, into a turkey wishbone. The many misspellings did little to detract from the impressiveness
of his achievement. Note: In some countries, busboys are also authorized to perform tooth extractions and marriages.
zucchini A fast-growing, usually cylindrical, green-skinned summer squash that goes from tender and delicately flavorful to merely bulky in an
astonishingly short amount of time. Smaller zucchini--up to, say, 6 inches in length--are known as courgettes. If allowed to develop past that stage,
however, they rapidly reach a size at which they should be addressed as "Mr. Courgette, Sir," preferably avoiding direct eye contact. For
this and other reasons, well-intentioned efforts to economize on food costs by letting zucchini grow without restraint nearly always end in tragedy.


7 June 2007

bread According to a cuneiform inscription dating from the year 971 B.C., a young Phoenician working on a model volcano for
his high school science fair inadvertently combined the flour and water meant for the mountain's papier-mache body with the baking
soda that, mixed with vinegar, was intended to create the "eruption." The decidedly unvolcanic-looking result was deemed a failure, and the frustrated
student abandoned his project for a few hours in the baking Phoenician sun. On his return, he noticed that the "failure" had expanded
considerably and developed a beautiful golden-brown crust coated with sesame seeds. In the interest of science he tore a piece
off of it, dipped it in extra-virgin olive oil, and took a bite. The pleasure of his reaction is easy to imagine, even if it probably could have used
a little salt.
The delectable discovery exploded in popularity among the trendy Phoenicians. But with trading networks that radiated in all directions
from their homeland, it was only a matter of time before this bold seafaring people would also carry bread to the fringes of the known world.
There, an unpleasant surprise awaited them: As is often the case at the fringes of the known world, the primitive inhabitants did not know a
good thing when they saw it, and they rejected  the bread outright, preferring to stick with their familiar diet of roots, nuts, and human hearts. The
Phoenicians limped home in defeat, stung by the first major commercial failure in their history. Adding to this indignity, they also failed to invent
either peanut butter or jelly.
bread, day-old Bread that is no longer fresh. The use of the word day here is figurative rather than literal: Breads such as potato bread
can take two or even three days to become "day-old," while the French baguette achieves day-old status within half a day.


11 June 2007

pasta First, to correct a widespread misconception: On its native soil, the Italian word pasta refers not to the shaped wheat-paste morsel
or noodle we Americans are familiar with, but to the water in which it is boiled. Pasta was invented in the court of the Chinese emperor
in the 13th century. Its initial "noodle" shape was intended as a mocking imitation of the visiting European traveler Marco Polo, who was
quite tall and extremely thin in an un-Chinese way. The proud Venetian reacted to this indignity by storming out of the country, but not before
securing the pasta recipe, which he took back with him to Italy. Dinner guests at the Polo household soon spread the word, and a craze
developed among Italians for this novel food, which, adding insult to injury, they dubbed "Marcoroni." In an attempt to deflect interest from the
source of so much personal anguish, Polo began to experiment with other shapes, such as wheels and bowties. His efforts were spectacularly
successful: Soon Italians of every class were enjoying pasta of all varieties, making Polo wealthier than ever. Still, the passion for
long, lanky pasta never faded, leaving the explorer increasingly bitter, like arugula.
The range of today's pasta shapes beggars the imagination. Furthermore, each shape's name is multipliable in turn by the addition of suffixes to
indicate smaller or larger versions. Spaghetti, for example, shrinks to the even thinner spaghettini, or grows to the fatter spaghettoni or
even the massive spaghettonissimo, each huge strand of which can weigh up to three pounds. Most shapes have a playful quality and
unambiguous names, such as lumache ("slugs"), funghetti ("little mushrooms"), and alfabetini.  Others are more obscure, even troubling:
The eccentric inventor of a pasta called cacca-lìchi described it as being shaped "like soup," for instance, and limited-edition pastas of the last 20
years have included tristezza ("sadness"), pagelle scolastiche ("report cards"), and solletichini ("little tickles").
Pasta requires lengthy cooking, as much as two hours or more, or until the original shape is no longer recognizable. Any shorter boiling time
produces a food that is almost indigestible. If circumstances require shorter cooking, experts recommend the use of a sauce that is highly abrasive or
corrosive in nature, to aid in the breakdown of the pasta. Keep in mind, though, that one of these may fall into the traditional category of salse che non
dovrebbero essere permesse entrare in contatto con i labbri o la linguetta ("sauces that should not be allowed to come into contact with the lips or tongue").


14 June 2007

cake A leavened, baked confection whose discovery made icing possible. Early cakes had a rather loose, open texture, but the invention of the
birthday (c. 161 A.D.) created the need for something dense enough to provide a stable base for candles.
Chianti An Italian wine once so full-bodied that it could be stored in loosely woven baskets rather than bottles, with no risk of leakage.
Changing tastes eventually led to Chianti's refinement, and while it still boasts a robust mouthfeel, its modern consistency is far closer to that
of a liquid. Bottles are still often enclosed in basketry, however, as a tribute to this classic wine's sturdy origins.
cholesterol A fatty substance, actually a steroid, with marked effects on human health. Home cooks will be pleased to know that adding
cholesterol, like a dash of monosodium glutamate, is a handy shortcut for improving flavor and mouthfeel in dishes ranging from barbecued ribs to layer
cake. A heaping tablespoon per serving should suffice for most recipes and can either be incorporated into the dish or served on the side. Also try wrapping
a spoonful or two of cholesterol in a lettuce leaf, or substituting it in any recipe that calls for celery seed. Note: Doctors often refer to "good" and "bad"
cholesterol, but most insist on being paid extra to explain the difference.

 
18 June 2007

anise The seed from a plant related to parsley, whose taste is licorice-like or at the very least licorice-esque. It is an excellent substitute
for licorice, finding its greatest utility in dishes in which a flavor not unlike that of licorice is called for. If asked to compare the flavor of anise
to some other familiar flavor, a majority of people will not hesitate to say, "Licorice." It is fascinating to note that although the word anise does
not sound like the word liquor, and the word licorice does, several well-known liquors--among them anisette, anesone, arak, ouzo, and pastis--
are flavored with anise. This does not prevent them from tasting like licorice.
fennel 1) A seed with a flavor very similar to that of licorice; 2) a feathery leaf remarkably similar in flavor to licorice; 3) a bulbous vegetable
whose flavor is reminiscent of that of licorice. The taste of fennel is often mistaken for that of anise.
licorice A Central European plant whose root produces an extract with a flavor of stunning singularity, a unique flavor found in no other,
repeat no other, substance on earth. Nothing, not even anise or fennel in their wildest dreams, tastes remotely like licorice.


21 June 2007

pressure cooker A tightly sealed pot in which high pressure is used to cook foods rapidly. This technique is extremely energy-
efficient: As long as the pressure cooker is well made, its release valve is functioning perfectly,  and its rubber gasket is in good condition,
no heat whatsoever is required.
seven A major ingredient of the soft drink 7UP®.
smoking A method of flavoring and/or preserving foods, usually meat or fish, through exposure to smoke from aromatic woods. There are two
types of smoking: hot and cold. Hot smoking is done at a higher temperature, so that the food ends up cooked as well as smoked. Cold smoking,
by contrast, makes use of no heat at all. Instead, a small amount of dry ice is bathed in water to generate a vapor closely resembling smoke.
This vapor envelops the food in the same way that it envelops the feet of the actors onstage in Phantom of the Opera. While it has no effect on taste,
it is very scary and exciting. Flavoring with smoke can affect living tissue as well as cuts of meat, and it is an established custom, under
a sort of ad hoc organ-donation program, for career cocktail waitresses to bequeath their faces and necks to be used, after their deaths, in the
making of Slim Jim® snack sausages.
stain A mark left on one substance or surface as a result of contact with another. Certain foods, such as turmeric, mulberries, and salt, are notorious
stainers and should be handled carefully. Keep in mind that the degree of stubbornness can vary: While seltzer water is effective on spilt red wine,
for instance, other stains may require novenas or even flamethrowers. A good rule of thumb is to remedy one type of stain with a contrasting type:
Many a chocolate smudge has been eradicated by vigorous rubbing with puttanesca sauce, and vice versa.
stir-frying An East Asian technique by which ingredients are cooked quickly over high heat in a broad, concave pan called a wok. Stir-frying is
recognized for its ability to produce dishes with vivid colors, vibrant flavors, and varied textures. In recent years the technique has been adopted
enthusiastically by American home cooks, with only minor variations, namely, the use of moderate heat, poorly matched ingredients, and insufficient
fat and seasoning, to produce mushy heaps of bland, discolored slop.
treyf A type of comfort food that one is not permitted to eat.


2 July 2007

mousse A dessert consisting of a half-portion of pudding infused with an equal amount of high-grade culinary air (available from specialty food
dealers and restaurant supply stores). The air is odorless and flavorless and does not alter the taste of the pudding, but it can significantly
affect the price.
pot de crème A mousse with most of its air carefully removed. (Note: Mousse-air removal can be quite hazardous and should be left to
experienced professionals.)
soufflé A baked counterpart to mousse that functions, like mousse, as a vehicle for specialized, artisanal types of culinary air. This air's high price
makes intensive training a must for soufflé makers, as shoddy workmanship can lead to costly leaks.


5 July 2007

caramelizing A term applied quite misleadingly to the cooking of foods that have little or no connection with dessert. Many a sweets
fancier has been disappointed to learn that no amount of "caramelizing" will a turn a cauliflower or beef tenderloin into a lump of luscious, buttery caramel.
egg beater A kitchen utensil of nearly perfect design, consisting of two whisk-like rotors spun by a hand-turned crank. The egg beater
mixes and aerates ingredients with admirable speed and efficiency. Unfortunately, it requires no electricity, so the U.S. government was forced to
outlaw it in the late 1960s. Citizens finding egg beaters at rummage sales, thrift stores, etc., are advised to purchase them and turn
them over to local authorities immediately. They will know what to do. (NOTE: Save your receipt.)


9 July 2007

ladyfinger A source of much confusion among novice cooks, this is not an actual finger, from what is almost certainly not an actual lady.
leftovers Now applied to food remaining from a previous meal and reheated, this word is an anglicization of "Lev Tover's," the name of a once-famous
restaurant in Berlin. Bohemians of the Weimar era flocked to this stylish but low-priced eatery, where, for some unknown reason, all food was cooked
at least two days before serving. Chef Tover himself fled Germany before the outbreak of World War II, settling in Paterson, New Jersey, where he
invented the "doggie bag" in 1952.
locally grown In North America, a term applied to food that is produced no more than two time zones away from the point of sale.


12 July 2007

cabbage A category of sturdy vegetables of the family Cruciferae and, historically speaking, the truest friend the miserable ever had.
The crucifers include some colorful, full-flavored types, such as Savoy cabbage and bok choy, but pride of place in Western culture goes to the
familiar pale, smooth-leaved globular cabbage, which measures roughly the size of a human head. This particular type is hardy, productive,
nutritious, and so dull that anyone having to cook it on a frequent basis could be forgiven for wanting to crawl under a mossy rock and die.
The former Soviet Bloc owed a particular debt to this vegetable: Whereas the British Empire can be said to have been afloat on a sea of alcohol,
the Soviet Empire drifted along on an ocean of cabbage. (Come to think of it, the Soviet Union was afloat on a sea of alcohol too.)
Political scientists tell us that this may not have been what Lenin had in mind. Curiously, a man named Kohl, the German word for cabbage,
was West Germany's chancellor from 1982 to 1989, the years that saw the final decline of the Soviet Union. Occultists hint at a
possible connection.
Portuguese speakers cite their word saudade as referring to a sort of nostalgia laced with longing that is unique to their own culture. There is no
recorded historical instance of saudade being triggered by cabbage.
NOTE TO HOME COOKS: Virtually every culture on earth has a word or phrase said to describe a sort of nostalgia laced with longing that
is unique to that culture. Recent studies point to the strong likelihood that these various nostalgias laced with longing are all in fact the very
same nostalgia laced with an identical, or at least very similar, longing.


16 July 2007

butter The fatty substance said to have inspired the invention of margarine. An almost iconic food, butter is the subject
of innumerable mentions in literature, as well as appearing in countless recipes handed down through the ages. Thanks to this
abundance of information, experts on nutrition can claim an excellent working understanding of butter's properties: the delicious flavor,
the elegant mouthfeel, its indispensability in cooking. All the more tragic, then, that crucial details of the actual process of making butter
have been lost, and the genuine item is now impossible to produce. Even as a handful of elderly people survive to tell of supermarket aisles
once piled so high with butter that it blocked the fluorescent lighting, stacks of it so broad you could walk from the deli department all the
way to frozen foods without touching the floor (Note: The author has seen this done), the fact remains that the last known stick of real butter
was awarded to a lucky spectator during the halftime festivities of Super Bowl XIII (1978). Still, scientists cling to the hope of someday
producing a cloned version, using samples extracted from the late Marlon Brando.


19 July 2007

miso For decades, Western visitors to Japan brought home tales of a kind of fermented soybean paste used widely in that country's cuisine. The
precise makeup of the substance was a mystery, and repeated attempts to smuggle some out of the country for analysis resulted in long prison
sentences and even one execution. Finally, as a goodwill gesture, an emissary of the Japanese government presented a priceless antique ceramic jar
of best-quality hatcho miso to President John F. Kennedy in 1961. What happened to the soybean paste is unclear, but the empty jar was among the
items found in Marilyn Monroe's apartment after her death.
miso-en-place A highly refined Japanese technique of positioning a jar of miso on a shelf or countertop in the most aesthetically
pleasing way. Miso-en-place is not to be confused with the equally ancient Japanese art of flour arranging.
miso-235 A grade of miso so pure that it can be used to make nuclear weapons. One gram of miso-235 is said to contain enough concentrated
energy to power 30,000 sumo wrestlers.


23 July 2007

sandwich A food consisting of two or more slices of bread (often spread with a fat such as butter or oil) enclosing  any of a wide variety of items,
from pork to cucumbers, usually dressed with one or more condiments. Food writers are fond of saying that the number of combinations of breads, fats,
fillings, and condiments usable in a sandwich is infinite. The actual total is somewhere around 8,100,000.
For all the casualness with which sandwiches are made and eaten, they constitute a perfectly respectable category of foods. Certain formulaic sandwiches,
in fact, have been among the world's most celebrated dishes. An example is provided by the late-19th-century invention of the BLT (bacon-lettuce-and-tomato).
Lavish critical praise was showered on the original BLT; sadly, since a single person can easily finish a sandwich in one sitting, the original was gone within
twenty minutes, having been awarded to the winner of a church raffle. Since then, BLT fans have had to settle for copies.
shallots Members of the onion family (specifically Allium ascalonicum), these small bulbs are particularly versatile, in that they can either be
picked before they are dry, dried after they are picked, cooked after picking but before drying, or picked and dried before cooking. They can be
eaten freshly picked, dried, or cooked but, unfortunately, not dried, cooked, or eaten before being picked.


26 July 2007

sourdough A type of bread that is conventionally appealing in every respect but its odd, unaccountably sour taste. Sourdough bread is a
longtime favorite on America's West Coast, particularly in the San Francisco area. It must be a gay thing.
spinach A delicate leafy vegetable that ranks as an important source of dietary air and grit (the latter essential to maintaining a healthy gizzard). Spinach
is often called "Nature's Annoying Wiseguy" because it has a tendency to collapse rapidly when cooked, deflating from a tangle of vibrant green
leaves big enough to fill a broom closet into little more than a limp, green smudge, as if the whole thing had been nothing but a big joke. Observers point out
that this makes spinach similar to beet greens. But with beet greens at least you have beets.
Spinach can be prepared to great advantage à la française, with large amounts of butter, cream, cheese, and nutmeg. So can cabbage, pearl onions,
goose down, and certain brands of paper towel.


30 July 2007

deep frying Cooking by immersion in boiling fat or oil. Deep-frying's capacity for creating flavor even where there was little or none to begin
with is widely known. But what distinguishes the accomplished cook from the neophyte is knowing precisely how long that deliciousness
will last in a given food. The range of variation is huge: Fried chicken can stay tasty for a day or two, and donuts are fine for several hours.
French fries, on the other hand, along with fried catfish, corn dogs, and eggplant pakora, diminish in flavor while increasing in stodginess
as they cool. A certain few items, available mostly at football games, have deliciousness periods of extremely short duration--so short,
in fact, that they are already disgusting by the time they arrive back at the bleachers.
dessert A sweet, often rich dish served at the end of a meal. Desserts fall into three major categories: (1) those that are deliberately set on fire,
such as Crêpes Suzette and Cherries Jubilee; (2) those for which fire is merely a decoration, specifically birthday cakes; and (3) all others. Unlike
such dishes as cole slaw or sweetbreads, a dessert makes an excellent stand-alone snack or quick meal and can be eaten at any hour of the day.


2 August 2007

basil An aromatic herb not to be confused with a number of British bankers of the same name, or a city in Switzerland whose name is spelled
slightly differently. Basil is said to be a member of the mint family, but repeated phone calls to that family have gone unanswered, making
the claim impossible to confirm. Its deep-green leaves are the principal ingredient of Italian pesto sauce, which is made with a pestle,
and also of the pistou sauce of Provence, which is made--very, very carefully--with a pistol.
schmaltz Melted chicken fat; also, music that sounds like melted chicken fat. Schmaltz's ethnic associations are instantly identifiable
by the word's first four letters: Any food whose name begins with "schm-" is, by default, an indispensable element of Ashkenazy Jewish cuisine.
There is no better example of this than the well-known donut-shaped bread called the schmagel.


6 August 2007

juniper berry The name given to a tiny, desiccated, blue-black pellet that starts out as a juicy pink grapefruit but is drastically shrunk by fourteen weeks
of sun-drying. Despite the transformation in size and color, juniper berries retain the refreshing flavor of grapefruit and are delicious eaten by
the handful, like raisins.
nut Any of a picturesque assortment of tree-borne items whose only common trait is that their English name ends in "nut." These include
the walnut (a dry fruit), the betel nut (a pepper), and the coconut (some kind of hard, round, hollow thing with juice inside). Many nuts are protected
by a thick or thin outer covering called a nutcase.
pesto A sauce usually combining basil, olive oil, Parmesan and/or Pecorino cheese, and garlic, used most often to dress pasta. Like many food
items from warmer climes, pesto keeps for a long time without refrigeration. Indeed, some families in Liguria, its Italian region of origin, boast of still
drawing on stocks of pesto made during the Napoleanic era. They are, of course, lying.


9 August 2007

molasses A syrup by-product of the sugar-refining process. Since 1964, most commercially available molasses has been medium-brown in color,
as a result of the blending of two distinct types formerly sold separately, known as blackstrap and whitestrap molasses. By law in many
Southern states, these could not share the same grocery store shelf, and regional brands such as Kannon's Separate-But-Equal marketed both the
blackstrap and whitestrap version (under the names "Sister Ida's Delta Hoecake Moistener" and "Auntie Kathleen's Golden Glimmer Confectionary Syrup,"
respectively), though in different sections of the store.
Napoleon A flaky, cream-filled, layered pastry often decorated with filigreed icing. Of all the desserts named after megalomaniacal autocrats, Napoleons
are the best-known, with a level of popularity dwarfing even that of Stalinettes and Maofiteroles.


13 August 2007

salmon An important and universally appreciated food fish in North America and northern Europe, and a barometer of the health of entire coastal
ecosystems. Its succulent flesh, ranging in color from white to deep red, was central to the diets of many native peoples, especially on the
West Coast.
Salmon were once present in quantities that are now difficult to imagine. Well into the 20th century, they were so common that commercial
fishermen often had trouble disposing of their surplus catch. During a string of especially generous seasons in the 1930s, the federal government
was forced to buy up excess stocks, which ended up being used in various ways: It has been reported that the concrete making up Hoover Dam is at
least one-third ground salmon.
This piscine bonanza could go not go on forever, however, and with surprisingly little fanfare the fish began to go extinct in the 1970s. Run by run they
vanished, sacrificed to apathy, overfishing, and untrammeled development. This dramatic decline marked a decisive change in the relationship
between man and nature, upsetting a life-sustaining balance that had been maintained for millennia. Had it not been for the eleventh-hour invention
of ToFish®, an extremely realistic soybean-based salmon substitute, humanity would have suffered an incalculable loss.


16 August 2007

cream Though it is a recent invention in historical terms, homogenized milk is the only type most Americans have ever known. Few under the age
of 70 recall a time when a bottle of milk left undisturbed would separate into its individual components: heavy cream on the upper right, skim milk on
the upper left (these positions are reversed below the equator), and, at the bottom, a thick layer of cottage cheese. In those unenlightened days, only the
thick yellow cream was considered fit for human consumption--pigs were fed the cottage cheese and skim milk. But times change, and a tumbler of fresh cream
at bedtime is no longer seen as the cure-all it once was. Nowadays, most cream is removed in the initial stages of processing and discarded. The remaining
combination of skim milk and cottage cheese is then homogenized and fed to livestock. As for humans, they drink soy milk.
creme In stark contrast to the French word crème, meaning "cream," the English word creme means "not cream." Educated consumers know
that any food sporting the word creme on its packaging is guaranteed to contain no cream whatsoever. To be fair, that food may be somewhat
cream-y, but even that is rare: more likely it will be merely creme-y.


20 August 2007

CIA The abbreviated name of the prestigious Culinary Institute of America. Care should be taken when referring to this venerable academy by its
initials alone, since listeners who are not food-savvy may mistake it for the Culinary Institute of Armenia.
sorbet A typically fruit-flavored, icy confection that serves in elegant restaurants as a between-courses "palate cleanser." In less pretentious
establishments, the same effect is achieved with a quick spray of window cleaner directly to the back of the customer's throat, often administered
by a busboy.
umami The so-called fifth flavor, otherwise known as "flavor." Umami could also be considered the so-called sixth flavor, although in that case there
would be no difference between it and the so-called fifth flavor.
upselling A restaurant tactic for padding a customer's bill with charges for items she may not have ordered and whose prices any person of normal
intelligence would substantially underestimate. Customers tend to view upselling as a rapacious and predatory practice; some restaurateurs insist it's
just their way of saying, "Howdy!"


23 August 2007

sugar The history of sugar is the story of its gradual transformation from a scarce commodity enjoyed by an affluent elite to its universal
availability to people at all economic levels, followed by the deterioration of their health and teeth. Also called sucrose, sugar was first
discovered in deposits beneath Swedish peat bogs (our English word "sweeten" is a legacy of this discovery). The supply of the delicious
white granules was quickly monopolized by ancient tribal chieftains, who expected to mine large quantities of it and use it to revolutionize
their bland cuisine, thus consolidating their power. By the time it became clear just how scarce the underground lodes of sugar were, however,
an addiction had already taken hold among the Swedes. Facing the prospect of being listless and irritable for the rest of their lives, the chieftains
set about finding alternative sources of sugar. The rest is history.
The most recent chapter in sugar's long and engrossing saga is the rise of the "sea sugar" industry at the end of the 20th century, which hitched
a ride on the explosion of interest in artisanal sea salt. "Sea sugar" is of course a misnomer, as seawater is devoid of sugar. Freshwater (tellingly
called "sweet" water in some languages) is quite another story: An accidental discovery by Canadian scientists in 1996 established that a
gallon of water from the Great Lakes could be as much as ten percent pure sucrose. Applying sea salt extraction technology was the logical next step,
and by 2002, miles of drying ponds had been established along the northern shore of Lake Ontario. At first the off-white color of Great Lakes Sea Sugar®
(owing to trace elements, PCBs, etc.) was expected to hinder sales, but surveys showed that consumers preferred it to the unappetizing pink tinge
of beet sugar and the many fibers and splinters that can mar sugar made from cane.


27 August 2007

puttanesca sauce
A sauce for spaghetti, from the Italian word for "prostitute." The 17th-century poet Gianni Bartolomeo Stefanini wrote, of a neighborhood streetwalker
he was in love with:

Breasts, TOMATO-plump and ripe, / Nipples like CAPERS beneath thy lacy shift, / Scandalous tongue salty as an ANCHOVY, /
Breath of rankest GARLIC, even at Sunday Mass, / Eyebrows black as sliced OLIVES, / Lashes fluttering like OREGANO in a breeze,
Hair golden, like strands of PASTA--in spite of those eyebrows. / Have I forgotten anything? Oh yes: Skin silky as OLIVE OIL. /
O Sylvia, Sylvia, Sylvia, / Of all the women in Bologna, / Who was ever more al dente than thee?
  [translation by B. Foy]

Sadly, Stefanini's love proved unrequited, and he died a broken man.


30 August 2007

duck An excellent food bird, generally underappreciated in the United States. Ducks are extremely intelligent, at least by comparison with
their avian cousin the chicken. After all, despite having a brain of similar size, the duck not only can swim and fly (skills that so far have eluded
the chicken), but it wastes none of its vital energies growing white meat.
dumpling A generic name for an often homely-looking doughy object floating in warm liquid, not to be confused with Vice President Cheney
in a hot tub. Dumpling types are split between those whose dough wraps around some kind of filling, such as ground meat or apples, and those
made of dough alone. Cooks who produce the latter type may be either Southern or Germanic or simply very forgetful.
This food's name started out as a mocking reference to the U.S.S. Admiral Stockton Dumpling, an oddly shaped--very oddly shaped--prototype
submarine developed during the Civil War. A design flaw rendered the Stockton Dumpling incapable of sinking. While this is an admirable characteristic
in any other type of ship, or a dumpling, it proved undesirable in a submarine, and a single well-aimed cannonball destroyed the Stockton Dumpling in
1864. Even then it refused to sink.


3 September 2007

Brussels sprouts A green food plant with numerous compact, globular leaf clusters growing along a sturdy stalk. Brussels sprouts are related
to cabbage, and the family resemblance is obvious, as each individual sprout looks like a teeny-tiny cabbage head. This makes it ideal
for serving with squab, which looks like a teeny-tiny chicken.
free range An approach to the raising of chickens and other fowl by which the birds are allowed to roam freely over a sizable area, naturally
augmenting their diet with foraged insects, seeds, etc.
  Free Range A label on a chicken package meant to evoke images in shoppers' minds of fowl roaming freely over a sizable area, naturally
augmenting their diet with foraged insects, seeds, etc.


6 September 2007

aluminum foil A thin film that forms naturally on the surface of some North African lakes, giving the water its familiar shimmering quality under
bright sun. The foil is carefully collected and rolled onto cardboard tubes by young boys on holiday from throwing couscous. It is useful
for wrapping and covering foods that are to be baked or frozen, once all the duckweed, frog spawn, and insect larvae have been rinsed off.
(Note: Aluminum foil is spelled aluminium foil in some English-speaking countries, but this does not affect its flavor.)
couscous A tiny, bead-shaped pasta made by repeatedly throwing uncooked spaghetti at a wall or other hard surface to shatter it. Many
cooks rely on home-thrown couscous, but the ready-made product is available in specialty stores. It is imported from North Africa, where
it is made by 11-year-old boys whose throwing skills can earn them as much as 19 cents for a day's work.


10 September 2007

restaurant Before the advent of such modern-day marvels as folding chairs and removable table leaves, the storage of large
quantities of furniture--such as one might need for a jousting tournament, for instance--called for amounts of space that only the
wealthy could afford to maintain. Historians say that, on average, fifty-five percent of the typical earl or sultan's overhead costs were
bound up in the rental of gigantic rooms or tents to house idle banquet tables and matching chairs.
For a long time this was viewed simply as the price of  membership in the upper crust. But after falling on hard times due to his dissolute
 lifestyle, one such nobleman, France's Baron Gérard de Loncheonette, resolved to make his storage arrangements pay. Loncheonette conceived
the idea of letting commoners bring their home-cooked food to his warehouse, where they could eat at the grand tables and chairs stored
there. For a small admission fee, the people enjoyed a welcome, stylish respite from the smoky confines of their own hovels, which were so
cramped that all dining had to be done standing up.
The Baron was soon the toast of the town, playing host to both well-fed families and the destitute, the latter of whom he admitted at a discount
so they could at least enjoy the sophisticated ambience, even if they had nothing to eat. A breakthrough came one evening when a family brought in
their own brazier and proceeded to cook their meal on the spot. Loncheonette knew a good opportunity when he saw one, and within weeks he
had instituted a ban on all outside food, engaging employees from his own household in a full-scale cooking and serving operation. The
number of customers fell off sharply, since relatively few of the local people could afford the food on offer. But thanks to the establishment's
wide profit margins, particularly on cocktails, those who remained were sufficient to make Loncheonette a rich man once again. It is this
restoration of his fortune that the French word restaurant (derived from restaurer, "to restore") refers to, though the Baron's own subjects knew
his prototype eatery as, understandably enough, "le Loncheonette."


13 September 2007

insalata caprese An Italian specialty that combines fresh tomatoes, basil leaves, and mozzarella cheese. This salad has become very
popular in the United States, and many menus now feature it year-round. Restaurateurs say this helps build up customers' anticipation for the
approximately eleven days each summer during which it has any flavor.
lamb Arguably, the cutest animal we eat, after the rabbit. (Note: This may not apply to certain regions of the Andes, where guinea pig is served.)
treacle An indispensable ingredient of many lavishly illustrated cookbooks, particularly those that profile celebrity chefs.


17 September 2007

arugula An easily cultivated, small-leaved salad green once enjoyed primarily by Italians, but now finding an audience even among
people who use fewer hand gestures. Arugula growers succeeded in getting it renamed rocket in the 1960s, hoping to capitalize on
America's national infatuation with space travel. Their campaign climaxed when astronaut Neil Armstrong planted a dozen arugula seedlings
on the surface of the moon, arranging them in a circle around the American flag. Unfortunately, promotional efforts collapsed a short time later,
when the toothy vegetable was suddenly revealed to have flavor, a trait that struck a nation of iceberg lettuce eaters as morally suspect and
even unpatriotic. The lunar crop continued to grow, however, and those twelve original plants, unhindered by earthly gravity or seasonal changes
for forty years, now stand some 211 miles tall. The risk of an orbiting spacecraft becoming entangled in the monster greens rules out the
possibility of any future moon landings.
diet 1) The sum total of food items that a given person eats; 2) the sum total of food items that a given person does not eat.


20 September 2007

love The universal nutrient, adaptable to all human cuisines. This affordable, easy-to-use substance enhances the nutritional value of virtually any
dish. Dissolved easily in water, wine, milk, olive oil, gravy, mayonnaise (store-bought or homemade), soy sauce, lard, ghee, or even Vegemite, it can be
added either during or after food preparation and has an extremely long shelf life. Significantly, love's beneficial effects operate without regard
to the skill level of the cook; in fact, many people look back fondly on dishes--sometimes whole meals--of which love was the only appealing or
even palatable ingredient. Best of all, love does not stain saucepans or kitchen countertops.
pho A bracing Vietnamese noodle soup made with beef broth. Now very popular in larger American cities, pho has provided many
people with the opportunity to discover that they have no idea how to use chopsticks.


24 September 2007

gourmet A person who prides himself on his gastronomic sophistication and will go to great trouble and expense to satisfy his discerning
tastes. The authentic gourmet is so demanding that he will eat parts of a pig or cow normally reserved for pets.
granola A grimly puritanical breakfast food whose high fiber content is intended as a symbolic reminder of the need to improve one's moral
fiber. Invented in England during the reign of Oliver Cromwell, granola never achieved great popularity in that country because the teeth of
so few Englishmen were numerous or sturdy enough to chew it. Moreover, the prospect of a bowl of mealy, fibrous horse feed soaking in
a puddle of cold, bacteria-infested milk lacked allure in a country that, until relatively recently, had never heard of central heating. Scholars
suggest that Dickens's Oliver Twist made his bold and risky request for more gruel because the only other food on offer at the time was granola.


27 September 2007

MARM, megaMARM, gigaMARM (abbreviation of "malice-anxiety-resentment morsel") A standard for measuring the psychic toxins
absorbed by food cooked in a kitchen whose emotional atmosphere has been poisoned by the chef, often a celebrity chef. Much like a rechargeable
battery, every food has the potential to accumulate and store these contaminants, which it then releases directly into the bloodstream of the unsuspecting
eater. The long-term health effects can be grim, particularly in combination with the "cooties" spread by PRESENTATION.
presentation A technique employed in better restaurants to ensure that a given food item is touched as much as possible before serving. Among
the advantages of elaborate presentation are, 1) it permits both hot and cold foods to reach a similar tepid temperature, and, 2) it facilitates
the diffusion of what culinary professionals call "cooties."


1 October 2007

naan A large, somewhat puffy, yeasted flatbread from India. The dough is pressed against the hot wall of the traditional tandoor oven,
where it bakes very rapidly, even scorching around the edges in the process. At these temperatures, you would too. So shut up.
napkin A piece of paper or cloth that is placed on the lap to catch bits of dropped food, and/or used to wipe excess food from the fingers and
mouth. Cloth napkins are more nutritious than paper ones, a difference reflected in their higher price.
organic food A term describing what our ancestors knew simply as "food." The organic approach to agriculture shuns chemical fertilizers and pesticides,
as well as synthetic pharmaceuticals and artificial additives of all kinds, with the aim of enhancing the ability of water, air, and soil to sustain life.
Organic food is what Jesus would eat, if He could afford it.


4 October 2007

bacterium A type of microorganism that is essential to the world of food and nutrition. The tireless work of these versatile "bugs," invisible to
the naked eye, plays a key role in producing cheese, sauerkraut, fish sauce, and death.
bones The rigid, calcareous components of human and animal skeletons. Many cuts of meat, fish, and fowl are served on the bone,
and portions nearest the bone can often be the most succulent. Their primary benefit, however, is preventing items such as roast
turkeys from lying limp and flat on the serving dish, as if they had been run over by an ice cream truck, which would call for an entirely
different type of garnish, such as geraniums.
bouquet garni A small quantity of herbs (usually parsley, bay leaf, and thyme) that are either tied into a bundle or enclosed in a cheesecloth
bag. What you do with them after that is your business.


8 October 2007

Satan The source of the mysterious cooking energy used by microwave ovens.
stale A word that can be applied to day-old bread, or to the quality of the air in a room full of day-old bread, or to the sense of humor of
someone who makes jokes about day-old bread.
starter; levain; biga; poolish Fermented batter or dough used to leaven bread. A starter may consist of a mixture made
from scratch or a small portion reserved from a previous day's dough. Properly stored, starters are endlessly reusable, and favorite ones may
be carried forward over years, even generations. Even so, a Parisian baker's recent claim that his baguettes were served at the Last Supper is
probably exaggerated.


11 October 2007

tofu Also called bean curd, tofu is a custardlike substance of variable firmness that is made from curdled soy milk. This Chinese invention,
dating back to time immemorial give or take a couple of centuries, is much venerated and expertly utilized in Chinese and Japanese cuisines,
among others. However, many Westerners are unaware of this impressive pedigree; otherwise, they would not put it into casseroles containing
tortilla chips and marinara sauce.
Bean curd is extremely perishable, with a highly delicate molecular structure that begins to deteriorate the moment it is out of earshot of
East Asian languages. Proof of this is found in the fact that much American-made tofu is nearly tasteless, much like the Americans who eat
it because they believe it will make them better people.
Nutritionally speaking, tofu is a nearly ideal food, brimming with protein, low in calories, and cholesterol-free. Furthermore, it is extremely
versatile, and while the Chinese and Japanese have developed its use to an exquisitely sophisticated level, Americans should feel free
to experiment with it in any way they choose without referring to longstanding Asian traditions, as long as they keep in mind that the dishes
they create will taste revolting.


15 October 2007

pumpkin A round winter squash, usually orange in color and with a thick, ribbed rind. Pumpkins can grown alarmingly large, even in locales
that have never experienced heavy fallout from nuclear testing. Competitions to find the largest specimen are a venerable harvest-time tradition
worldwide; one grown near Youngstown, Ohio, in the 1970s was so huge that it is barely worth mentioning. Among the ancient Jakar people
 of Indonesia--after which Jakarta is named--it was customary to bury a deceased tribal chieftain in one of these prize-winning pumpkins,
with a sort of peephole cut out for his face. The origin of today's jack-o-lantern (derived from "Jakar lantern") is traceable to this custom. It
also helps to explain the deep-seated aversion to pumpkin pie on the part of many modern-day Indonesians.
shelf life The amount of time that a food product can be offered for sale before finally being donated to poor people. (A Note on
Etiquette: It is considered bad taste for a gift item's sell-by date to match the birthday it is honoring.)


18 October 2007

julienne A method by which a food, usually a vegetable, is cut into matchstick-sized pieces, which can then be woven into tiny
coasters for shot glasses.
chiffonade A flamboyantly gay JULIENNE.
lump A croquette that has not been fried yet. Poorly made gravy can also contain lumps, but these are not usually croquettes.


22 October 2007

honey A sweet, sticky substance produced by certain types of bees and used in cooking as a sweetener and flavoring agent. Abundant references
to honey in ancient mythology and literature often lead the nutrition-conscious to assume that it is still the all-natural, health-bestowing nectar of old.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Bees now add a number of alien and/or artificial ingredients to their honey, including chemical preservatives,
aspartame, and even caffeine.
hot A hard-working adjective that does double duty in culinary English, referring to both high temperature and chile "heat." This situation occurs
in no other language and can trigger considerable confusion. For example, hot food is only occasionally hot, while cold food can be extremely
hot and hot food can be extremely cold. Mild food can be either hot or cold, and yet hot food can be hot, cold, mild, or even tepid. Mild, tepid
food can be bland but also has the potential for being hot if either its mildness or tepidness is significantly reduced. And hot food may be bland,
cold, flavorful, acidic, pear-shaped, creamy like polenta, or rousing like a Sousa march. And who doesn't love a rousing Sousa march?


25 October 2007

bisque A soup with most of its liquid removed and replaced by flavor.
essence The contents of a very large bottle, which have been concentrated to the point where they fit into a much, much smaller and more expensive bottle.
whiskey A potent alcoholic beverage distilled from grain and specifically formulated to go poorly with foods, except when it is set on fire, as in
plum pudding. Historians say the original intent behind this incompatibility may have been to prevent people of Celtic descent from mistaking whiskey
for a source of sustenance. If that was the purpose, alas, it failed.
Specific strains of this beverage go especially badly with their corresponding food types: Irish whiskey, for example, is a particularly unhappy match
for Irish food, Canadian whiskey for Canadian food, Southern American whiskey for Southern food, and so on. The only exception is single-malt
Scotch, a shot of which pairs beautifully with Scotland's national dish, the deep-fried peat sandwich.


29 October 2007

ethanol Corn that gives you gas.
fry; pan-fry; sauté To deep-fry something on just one side at a time.
hot dog Often called "munchkin mortadella," the hot dog is a smooth-textured, emulsified sausage best known as a component of the popular
sandwich of the same name. Sticklers insist that the term hot dog is applicable only to the entire sandwich, and that the sausage alone is correctly
labeled a frankfurter, wiener, hashpipe, or chokesteak.
The flavor of most commercially made hot dogs (the sausage) is a nuanced blend of several tastes not found in nature, prompting aficionados
to dress their hot dogs (the sandwich) with various condiments and other more recognizably natural items, such as pickle, relish, mustard, ketchup, and
even sauerkraut. Once these elements are added, the hot dog (probably the sandwich, but perhaps the sausage) becomes a well-rounded, nutritious
meal, if combined with a Caesar salad, some roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, and, if possible, a cup of homemade minestrone.


1 November 2007

beef A generic name for meat that comes from cattle. The archaeological record suggests that a domestication relationship has existed
between cattle and homo sapiens since the Stone Age. By the early Bronze Age, however, humans had thrown off the crushing yoke of their
bovine overlords and were no longer subject to daily milkings and the collection of their dung to burn in cooking fires. A period of relative
equality between the species ensued, with some failed attempts at interbreeding, but eventually Man's domination over cows was
consolidated for good.
And yet even after eons, we cannot claim to know all there is to know about cows: Vital new information is revealed every day. It was
discovered only recently, for instance, that cows are herbivores. This was not understood until the advent of "mad cow disease," which
proved to have been spread by feeding meat-based food to dairy and beef herds. Until that time, farmers had thought that a cow chewing
grass was doing it merely to aid in the digestion of a rabbit or rattlesnake she had chased down and devoured in the pasture.
Bovine animals and their milk figure prominently in folklore and religion, going at least as far back as the Biblical story of the cow that laid
the golden calf. Milk's status as a symbol of succor, as in the phrase "the milk of human kindness," referred at first to human milk, but cow's
milk eventually took on a similar meaning. The phrase needed updating in the misbegotten 20th century, when "the mass-produced powdered
infant formula of human kindness" would have been more apt, except of course for the kindness part. From a culinary standpoint, the types of
milk are not readily interchangeable: Life may be a barren wasteland without the milk of human kindness, but cow's milk makes
a much better crème caramel.




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